Admitance Means Returnal
by AraLupus
Summary: Hi, this is my first story! So please, if you think anything could be improved don't hesitate to say! here's the summary: He yells this every night, as if wishing some higher power would return her to him, if he just admit it. But she never does get sent.
1. I Loved You!

I Loved You!

_"I love you!"_ he yells this every night, as if wishing some higher power would return her to him if he just admit it. But she never does get sent. And so he spends another night, alone, cold and drunk, crying, and sometimes laughing, over the irony that the first time he admitted to himself that he loved her, was when he and Gunn rounded the corner and found Angelus feeding off her.

He slumps down on the chair, the empty scotch glass in his hand, and falls into an uneasy dream about her. The dream is always the same. _"I'll stay here and help Connor"_ And so he does. He stays with Connor, Lilah and Fred. When Angelus turns up, Wesley manages to fight him of and he leaves, only to return that night and turn him. But that's not the worst of it. The worst part of the dream is when he slowly and painfully, whilst Angelus watches, kills Lilah. He plays with her mind first then feeds off her slowly. But before she dies he tells her he loves her... then snaps her neck. At this point he wakes up screaming the same thing _"I love you! I wouldn't do it!"_

He looks around, drops the empty scotch glass he didn't know he was holding and crys. Softly at first and then harder until he feels like he's going to die, thinking about her all the while. All the time muttering the same thing _"I love you! So why didn't I stay?"_ His tears fall as an unheard being, in an unreachable realm, screams to him...


	2. Stop Saying That!

Author Note

PassionateDarkness: Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, I hope you enjoy this chapter from Lilah's point of view!

Kitty fantastico34: Thank you for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it as well! I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the last one!

This chapter was written from the point of view of Lilah in hell at the same time. Please read & review!

Stop Saying That

"Stop saying that!" She yells this every night at the thousands of screens that surround her. It's the same everyday. Her first day in hell she'd been told everything she'd need to know, including the fact that she had to report to room 50 on the 6th floor every night at 9o'clock pm, without fail. She didn't expect anything short of torture; after all, this was hell. But nothing could prepare her for what she was about to witness.

She went along and was emitted into the room and told to wait. So she went in and waited. The first thing she noticed when she went in was the thousands of screens surrounding her. After a while, all the screens came to life, all showing the same thing.

"Wesley?" She whispers this as if saying it louder would cause the tears that were building behind her eyes, to fall.

"I loved you!" He yells this at her, not realizing she's listening.

She tries to be brave in the beginning and not cry, but by the 5th night, after seeing the constant pain in Wes' eyes and listening to his admittance of love, she couldn't help it. And the tears that she had been holding back since the first night fell. And as the nights went on, seeing Wesley getting worse and more desperate to let her know he loved her, she found herself yelling at him to stop.

"Stop saying that!" She yells one night, her body racked with tears, "It's not going to happen! I can't go back to you!"

She doesn't know how much longer she can take of this. Listening to the man she loves, yes loves, mourning for her and shouting to whoever is listening that he loves her, and not being able to do anything. Not comfort him, not even let him know that she knows.

When he lands on the chair, the empty scotch glass, that was emptied for her, still in her hand and he falls into a restless sleep about her, she truly knows she's in hell.


	3. He Doesn't Remember Me!

Thank you Kitty fantastico34, Phantomandvampirelover and ameliana for your reviews! And ameliana, thank you for the corrections! I'll take better care next time!

"No more... please... no more!" She begged and begged and begged but they wouldn't stop. They knew this hurt her more then before. She should have known that telling him she loved him and that she knew he loved her, wouldn't have made it any easier. If anything it made it worse. Mainly because he didn't even remember it now.

She'd been contacted some time later and told to go back to the room. So, once again, she went along. And, once again, she waited to be admitted. And, once again, she went in and waited. Only this time it was different. This time when the screens came on they didn't just show Wesley, they showed Wesley AND Fred.

When she saw them kissing her breath caught in her throat and she started to feel a stabbing pain where her heart was. Her eyes stung as tears started to build up and fall, silently.

"I love you!" he whispered in her ear.

That, right there, was the last straw for Lilah and she gave up trying to be brave. She collapsed on the floor and cried and cried and cried until she was beyond pain. She cried until she was numb, until she thought that no more tears could fall yet they did.

She knew that this would happen everyday and that she would suffer everyday, but right now, she didn't care. All she cared about was the man in the screens, the man she loves… but has no memory of her!


	4. Time To Get Her Back

Disclaimer: I'm not Joss so I don't own any of the characters, but I do own the hell I have created and the book I mentioned!

Thank you Melanthe Vida for the corrections, I know I need to be more careful about things, so thanks for telling me!  And Miss American Pie; thank you SO much for the reviews! I love you're stories and I hope you love mine as well!

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Here he was again, sitting in the dark, an empty scotch glass in his hand. He'd been like this after Fred's death and he thought things couldn't get any worse… he was mistaken.

After he had smashed the box, all of his memories came flooding back… including all of those nights with and mourning over Lilah. And so he'd crawled back into the scotch glass. Only this time it wasn't just for Fred… it was for Lilah as well.

He chuckled to him self in his drunken haze, thinking about the irony how everyone he loved has died. Cordy… Fred… Lilah. Was it always going to be this way? He hoped not. He didn't think he could handle any more grief or any more losses of those he loved.

'_Neither can my liver_' He thought to his self, looking down at the two scotch bottles he had drunk. He knows he should stop but he can't bring him self to do it. He just wants the pain to be over. There isn't any other way to make it go away… no way to bring her back…

A thought struck him '_Maybe there is…_' He jumped and ran across the room to his books. He stood there searching through the various book titles he had until he found it. He pulled it down and laid it on the table. '_**The Secrets of the Dead**' _read the title. It was a large leather bound book the colour of dried blood. He flipped through the pages looking for the right one. '_Ah, here it is!_' he thought to himself as he opened the page.

He started reading '_Even though it is said that you cannot return the dead in any form apart from zombie, there is in fact a spell that can return the dead. There is a requirement though, you must have a just reason and you must be willing to travel to where the wanted dead walk. There you both must face trials, identical in nature but different in circumstance. Then, and only than, will the wanted dead be returned to the land of the living. If you are willing and have a reason just than read the bellow spell and prepare yourself…_'

He thought this over. Could he really risk his life to get her back even if it meant his life? It took him only a second to decide. He quickly gathered up everything he would need and set it up.

'_Time to get her back. Here goes nothing!_' He thought, and with that he recited the spell. A blinding pain shot through him as he felt himself be dragged through dimensions… and then there was only black…

When he came to he didn't recognize his surroundings. He was in a white room with nothing in it except for the walls, which were covered in screens. A door behind him opened and all he heard was a quick intake of breath. He turned slowly and his breath caught in his throat

'Lilah…?'

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Hey, sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've been really busy! I hope you liked this new chapter, please, please, please review it! Thank you! 


	5. This Time

Disclaimer: I'm not Joss so I don't own any of the characters, but I do own the hell I have created and the book I mentioned!

Author's Notes: I'm sorry if the characters seem OOC to you, but I think they may have softened after everything. Also considering they both admitted to themselves that they loved the other, I think they'd be nicer to each other.

Review Replies: **Kitty fantastico34**- Thanks or continuing to review and support my work. From now on, I'm going to try and update more :D

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Silence. That was all that filled the room, suffocating the already shocked ex-lovers. They stood and stared, both hardly daring to breath in case it turned out what was happening wasn't real. Seconds turned into minutes, and still the simply stared, shock leaving them speechless. The silence was final broken as the lawyer finally spoke up.

"W-what… are you doing here?" Lilah asked, her eyes never leaving his.

"I found a spell," replied Wesley "it said how I could bring you back."

"Which book?" She asked, hoping against hope that it wasn't the book she had seen on his shelf when she had waited for him one night in his apartment.

"**The Secrets Of The Dead**, but why does it matter?" Questioned Wesley, a slight frown forming.

"Because it does you idiot!" Exclaimed Lilah, anger and his stupidity boiling over.

"What are you talking about?"

"Did you even read the whole text or did you get as far as the spell and just got on with it!"

"Oh, I'm sorry for not reading everything! I seemed to be a bit intoxicated at the time!" Yelled an angry Wesley.

"You were drunk! Why the hell would you suddenly decide to try and bring me back, out of the bloom, when you were drunk?" Yelled back and equally angry Lilah.

"Because I was drunk because of you!" Cried Wesley. As soon as the words left his lips, the anger seemed to visibly drain from the two.  
"I smashed that box with all my memories of us in it and it all came flooding back. Everything. Every last bloody, haunting and painful detail of every moment we spent together. That's why I was drunk, I wanted the pain to end. I thought you'd be happy that I was here to bring you back with me… obviously I was grossly mistaken…" He turned around as he drifted off at the end of the sentence.  
He suddenly jumped when he felt her place her hand on his shoulder and turn him around so he was facing her. He was slightly shocked, even if he didn't show it, by the look that was in her eye when she looked at him.  
'_Love. Is that what's really showing through in her eyes? Does she really love me?'_

"I'm sorry," Lilah whispered softly.

"For what?" Wesley asked, still staring into her eyes.

"I'm sorry that what you've done has been in vain. You know Wolfram and Hart owns my soul, they won't let that go just because you came all the way to hell to get me back." She smiled slightly. "But it means something that you tried."

Those words suddenly brought forward a rush of unbidden feelings. Feelings of regret when he remembered she used the exact same words the last time he tried to save her and failed. A feeling of hurt when he remembered that the last kiss they had shared was right after she said that and he had his memory whipped. He wasn't going to fail this time. He knew the risks, he'd accepted them. He would get her back this time…

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Hey, I'm really, really, really sorry that I haven't updated since last year! I seem to be falling into a pattern of sudden inspiration and then not having any for quite a while. In my defence though I have been studying for exams and my new Beta has told me that I should finish one of my other stories on a different site before I finish any of these. But, anyway, here's the next chapter; I hope you like it :D Please review it as I love the feedback I get from you guys! Thank you! 


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